French news has been full of politically incorrect topics
lately, from antisemitism from the comic Dieudonné, to rumors of teaching
‘gender theory’ in French primary schools. But it’s been a while since I’ve
seen something in France that truly shocked me.
Well last week, I found something. It was while I was
walking through the subway station and read the following advertisement in
passing :
I stopped
in front of the poster for a minute, contemplating the term extra-conjugale and then said to myself
‘no, that can’t be right. This can’t be an advertisement for an extra-marital
dating site’.
Alas, it
is. I checked with a French person to make sure I hadn’t misinterpreted the
poster. No, and what’s more, these kind of sites are apparently à la mode right now, people are ‘owning
up to’ infidelity.
Before
discussing this further, I’d like to delve deeper into the text of the poster
itself. It uses the cheeky imagery of a bitten apple, and the text at the top Par principe nous ne proposons pas de carte
de fidelité (On principle, we don’t offer a rewards card). This plays
on the term carte de fidelité which
is the term in French for a rewards card. The pun is in the use of the word fidelité, or ‘faithfulness’ French.
What I
think is particularly interesting is the text at the bottom:
Le 1er site de rencontres extra-conjugales
pensé par des femmes (the first extra-marital dating site created by women)
Basically,
this text tells us that it is not the first website of its kind, but it’s the
first designed by women. In other words, it’s an advertisement for something
that has been around, and this service is just trying to present it in a new
way (like any new product).
First, what
I think shocked me about the poster was simply the visibility of something that
is typically taboo, especially in American culture. I know Americans associate
seduction and even extra-marital affairs with the French, but to see it being
advertised so openly in the subway, and as a new, improved version of such a
website, is frankly surprising.
Coincidentally,
I saw this poster not long after the French president, François Hollande, was
discovered of having an affair with a French actress, to the surprise of his
longtime partner Valérie Trierweiler. His affair exploded in French media and
his partner immediately left him, previously unaware of his extended
affair.
Seeing this type
of political indiscretion is a rarity in French media, which is often highly
protective of the private lives of politicians (or rather, the legal system is very
protective of them). It’s uncommon to see a president’s private life displayed
so spectacularly for the public eye, and seeing Valérie Trierweiler’s strong
reaction only confirmed the rumors.
Hollande’s recent
visit to the US was highly publicized in France, and one of the major points
reported on in French news was the White House’s attempt to adapt to Hollande’s
recent single status. I actually heard the news presenter talking about the new
place cards being made for the formal dinner, since Valérie Trierweiler was no
longer coming.
On French
radio they had even interviewed Americans to see their opinion on this. One
woman said she understood the situation for the French president (or rather
tolerated it, I suppose), but added that she would be very disappointed if such
a scandal were discovered with Obama, mentioning that his was the example of a
‘model family’.
In France,
when the Hollande scandal came to light, although Hollande has no young
children, no one was wagging their finger claiming that he had disappointed
French citizens by his choices. Hollande never represented a ‘model family,’
anyway. Him and Trierweiler were never married, something that I think is hard
to imagine for an American president in the first place. The biggest effort was
made to cover up the scandal, remove any media coverage from newsstands and the
internet, and basically to help the president save face and get back to normal.
People were more surprised by the backlash of the whole thing than his actual
choices.
The only
statement that Hollande made after the discovery of the scandal was that he was
‘putting an end’ to his ‘shared life’ with Trierweiler. No apologies, no
admitting he had done something wrong or hurtful, and no reference to why. In other words, no accountability to the
public. I’m reminded, in contrast, of former North Carolina Senator John
Edward’s scandal, in which the public discovered he had had an extra-marital affair
which he first denied, and later confirmed. He even had a child from the affair
which he had to claim as his own. All of which came to light while his wife was
battling breast cancer. I remember this particular indiscretion because I saw
one of the many interviews with Edwards in which he, almost embarrassingly in
my opinion, admitted to wrongdoing and apologized publicly. While it sounds
like it was a sticky affair, I also didn’t feel that the North Carolina Senator
owed me personally an apology for his actions. There’s even a Wikipedia page
about it.
So what
does all this mean? Do we tolerate French infidelity, because we think it’s,
well French, and would we tolerate the same behavior from our own president?
Probably not. We certainly have out own fair share of politicians behaving
badly in the US, but when it goes public, there is always the need for the
politician to publicly apologize, to address the people about his/her
indiscretion, ideally with his/her spouse supportive on the side.
And on the
French side, are the French really more comfortable with extra-marital affairs
and cheating? If they’re willing to
advertise for sites that promote extra-marital affairs, there must be a level
of tolerance that doesn’t exist in the United States and probably won’t exist
anytime soon. In my opinion, it’s not so
much the behavior itself but the acceptance or respect for private life. For
certain things, especially when it comes to romantic affairs, the French just
figure that each person makes his/her own choices and it’s not anyone else’s
business. Sometimes affairs and cheating are seen as things that just ‘happen’
in a relationship and socially there is less demand for accountability.
Maybe when
the first American extra-marital dating site appears I’ll be able to make a
closer comparison, but until then, Gleeden.com will have to be my reference.
For more on the Trierweiler Hollande scandal, see: http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jan/26/francois-hollande-valerie-trierweiler-split
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